i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
