the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
