Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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