I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
