Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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