this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
