my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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