Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
