Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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