If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Randomize
