Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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