Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
