i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
