I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
