Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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