Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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