did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
