can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
