We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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