when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
