I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
