i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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