hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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