can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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