you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
