I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
