Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize