Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
