she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
