On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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