Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
