Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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