I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
