Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
