Im at strip club and am horny
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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