yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
