John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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