So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
