i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
