I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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