you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
