i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
