i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
