I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
