foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
