Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
