God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
