I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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