Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
