My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
