How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
