You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
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