I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
