Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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