I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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