If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
