i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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