another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize