We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
