Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
