Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I need moral support for this bender
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
