I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
