My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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