the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
