Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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