The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
