i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
