some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
